Fairytales

When I was a little girl my favorite Disney movie was Sleeping Beauty. My favorite part is when Princess Aurora is under Maleficent’s curse, Prince Philip fights for her, sweeps in and removes the curse with loves true kiss.  Sigh......It’s enough to make a little girl swoon. 

Then there’s the creation story in Genesis 2:18 (NLT) - “Then the Lord God said, “It is not right for the man to be alone.  I will make a helper who is just right for him.”  God then creates the animals and birds and brings them to Adam to name them. verse. 20 “…but still there was no helper just right for him.” Then in verses 22-23 God creates woman from Adam’s rib, his perfect helper and Adam exclaims “At last!”

And just like the fairytales, with this story, our hearts long for our perfect companion, our prince. And then, finally, our very own real life Prince Charming comes along and sweeps us off our feet.  A dream come true and we plan our fairytale wedding, in the perfect dress, our hair and makeup done just so. Friends and family there to share in our special day as we pledge our lives and gaze lovingly into each others eyes.  

Years, or maybe for some only weeks or months, go by and the sheen of our fairytale life seems to dim.  We find that our Prince prefers sports to romantic dinners, buying tools to buying flowers for his wife.  And our dreams from childhood fade and become distant memories. 

Women have been sold a bill of goods by Hollywood and Disney.  We grow up watching movies and reading romance novels and have a preconceived notion of what “romance” looks like. An idea of what our husband should act like if he really loves us.

And then, when our guy doesn’t behave like we think he should, we get angry and resentful.  We start to think that we were wrong in marrying this man.  We watch the hero of the romantic movie and whine “Why can’t my husband be more like that?” Or jealousy creeps in over our friend’s husband that we think is so great.  When we play the comparison game, we set ourselves up for a lifetime of disappointment.  We may believe that we’ll stay married because that’s what Christians do but that doesn’t mean (we think) we’ll be happy doing it! It’s also easy to convince ourselves that God wouldn’t expect us to stay unhappily married and start to look elsewhere for the romance we think we’re being denied.  Let me tell you something about the hero in the romantic movies and books, that romantic guy at work or the “perfect” guy you’ve seen on social media or met online.  Once you’ve got him, the “romance’ will fade with him too.  Because ultimately it’s not that our husbands are bad, or unromantic or less then we thought they were when we married them.  Maybe it’s our unrealistic expectations of them.

So your guy doesn’t buy you flowers or whisk you off on expensive vacations or to a fancy dinner or …….. - fill in the blank with whatever you have come to believe is romantic. For me, when I got married at 19, I thought romance was flowers and spending all your free time together.  This is what I saw modeled.  By the way, this is not wrong.  It just led me to believe that that was what MY husband should do.  However, my husband is not the flowers type and he occasionally needs time alone or with other guys.  Boy did this bother me when we first got married! I didn’t even realize it at the time.  It’s in looking back that I see the seeds of disillusionment, frustration and resentment that started setting in.  The funny thing is I really don’t enjoy receiving flowers all that much.  And as much as I adore my husband, I need time by myself and with other women.

So over the 27 years we’ve been married I have learned to redefine romance. It’s not defined by Hollywood, Disney, books or what you see on social media.  It is defined by the 2 people within the marriage.

My definition of romance is a guy who will bring me a  Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup when he runs to the store (also romance is him running to the store because when I did my shopping I forgot something.  And the fact that he doesn’t complain or get angry about me forgetting something even though I do it ALL THE TIME!) or when my husband buys me a book as he waits in the checkout line (again, picking up the 20th item I forgot to buy) because it looks like something I’d enjoy reading.  

It’s the guy who, when our oldest son was just 2, began the tradition (one that still lives on even though our oldest is 23) of Friday night “Boy night” where Mom gets to go to bed early and Dad hangs out with our boys because he knew that a week of being with little ones 24/7 is exhausting.  

Romance is a man who gently corrects me when I do wrong, holds me when I cry, prays with me and for me, makes the hard decisions, loves me at my worst moments, holds my hand while we walk through a store.  

And the most romantic thing my husband does?  He has spent the last 23 years as the sole income provider so that I could be home taking care of our family.  Despite the burden, the cost to himself (financially, mentally, emotionally and physically) without complaint.  And without ever commenting, in the lean financial times, that if only I would work things would be better.

But I had to intentionally (sometimes intently) look to see these things.  I had to rid myself of what I thought romance “should” look like to see the ways my husband was romantic. He didn’t change all of a sudden and become romantic, God changed my perspective.

Where are you today - disappointed that your husband isn’t the knight in shining armor you thought you were getting on your wedding day? Stop placing unfair, Hollywood expectations on him.  I would even go so far as to say that if you read those romance novels, watch the romantic movies, pine over the great guy your friends post about all over social media and think your husband is lacking compared to them - STOP watching and reading those things.  Literally stop. Even get off social media if it contributes to dissatisfaction with your husband and is a hindrance to your marriage.  It is not fair to your husband to compare him with a perfectly scripted guy, or the perfect moments of a guy that your friends want you to see on FaceBook.  That guy isn’t perfect either, he is a sinful human being. Just like you and me I might add.  Your husband may not be perfect but I believe he IS perfectly scripted for you by God.  

So, the key is to stop comparing and start looking.  Look for the ways your husband shows his love for you. Start seeing him for who he is, how he loves you, NOT some unrealistic expectation or preconceived notion of what you think he “should” do. God made men with the desire for a woman, to love them, to need them, as we see in the Garden. We as women can sometimes get in the way of that.  Pray for your heart to change and your eyes to be open to the Prince Charming right in front of you.