God shows up

When I last left you, we were at our daughter’s graveside. In that desolate place, it felt like the end, like life had stopped and we couldn’t go on. But God never leaves us in desolation. He meets us there in that place of great despair 

It would have been easy to give up. Honestly there were days I wanted to. So grateful to all our family and friends who walked alongside us during this time.  I am also thankful for all the ways God showed up.  He gave us laughter even through the tears.  His fingerprints were evident in all of it.

The first moment I remember clearly of God’s presence in that season was actually in the hospital after Hannah’s birth.  She was born late Friday night and all Saturday we were surrounded by family and friends. Sunday morning, for the first time, I was alone in my hospital room. It was quiet and suddenly I “heard” the question- “Would you have given Hannah’s life willingly to save someone else’s?”  In my heart I responded “Uh, no way” Like duh.  Then the spirit of God gently whispered “But that’s what I did when I sent  my only Son to die for you”. Um, WOW. This head knowledge of what God had done by sending Jesus was shot like an arrow straight to my heart. And, for the first time since I had accepted Jesus as my Savior at age 7, I understood EXACTLY what that had cost God. I knew the pain of having a child taken from me but to willingly give one up added a whole new dimension. In that moment, not only did I feel God’s presence and empathy, but also His peace.  What God did in giving his Son to die in my place was not done in vain. I vowed then that neither would I allow Hannah’s death to be in vain.  I would use it however God would call me to.

As time progressed, God continued to show up and some days He carried us when it was too much for us.  God’s strength took over when ours failed.  As 1996 neared it’s close, we were only too happy to be seeing the year end. And as God often does, we received a blessing to end the year in much the way it had started, with joy, as we discovered we were expecting our 2nd child.

Roller coaster emotions followed over the next months - excitement, joy, fear.  Shortly before we found out I was pregnant again, we had met with a genetic counselor. Hannah had multiple birth defects and our doctor suggested we look into it to see if we could find out why. Basically the guy shrugged his shoulders and told us we had a 25% chance of having it happen again. We decided that God was bigger then that 25% and we would just trust him. At 22 and 24, we also didn’t want to look back with regret and wonder “what if”.

At 20 weeks we had an ultrasound and were told that our child was perfect. And as much as I trusted God and was thankful for the gift of that ultrasound, deep in my mama’s heart I didn’t think I would rest easy until I held this baby in my arms.

Once again walking through deep waters of doubt, God showed up. During my devotional one evening I was brought to John 9: 1-3 “As He (Jesus) went along, he saw a man blind from birth.

His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, “ said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him”.  (NIV).

As those words sank in, I felt God whispering to my spirit that not only was this child going to be ok but God’s glory was going to be displayed through this new child but also through Hannah.  Again, God’s fingerprints were all over this time in my life. He continued to show up when I became afraid or started to doubt.

On July 23, 1997, being 8 days past my due date, I was brought to the hospital to be induced. After 12 hours of labor I, once again, was told I needed a c-section.  An overwhelming sense of deja vu crept in and I started to cry. My doctor put her hands on either side of my face and said “This is a different baby. Let me put this one in your arms.” I took a deep breath and nodded. 

 But God knew we needed to walk the same scenario again with a different outcome.  At EXACTLY 11 months TO THE MINUTE from Hannah, our son, Tristan Cooper was born. As God told me, he was perfect!

I know that our story may not be your story.  Maybe heartbreak and desolation have been ongoing. My heart hurts for you. It may feel like you’re all alone. But God loves you- even if you don’t feel it right now. Tell God you’re angry - he can handle it. And he won’t leave you because you’re angry with him. He can take the deepest hurt, use it for His glory and bring Redemption.

I have referenced God’s fingerprints several times in sharing this season of our life. The thing about fingerprints though, is sometimes you can’t see them until you let in the light. 

Jesus,

Sometimes grief feels like a vast ocean, wave after wave pulling us under.

Please be our life preserver, the thing we can cling to

Help us to trust you, even when we are in that place of desolation.

I know you love me even when I’m angry with you.

Thank you for the promise that you will never leave me or forsake me.

In Jesus’ name, Amen